The Whys & The What Ifs
by November Fatale
Summary: He's selfish, they're both in a troubled, turmoil filled state. What if Elena took matters in her own hand with the aid that Damon's compulsion didn't have any affect on her.


**_Disclamier: I do not own both the book or T.V. series only the great Creator L.J Smith and the T.V. writers/producers do I am merely twisting a plot for readers._**

**_Summary: He's selfish, they're both in a troubled, turmoil filled state know what if Elena took matters in her own hand with the aid that Damon's compulsion didn't have any affect on her. Find out below what's in store and more!_**

**_Author's Note: I had this on my computer since the eighth episode and forgot about it...so because I've not been able to overcome the writer's block for A Demon Inside (the first project I have to update before moving onto the others.) well I decided to post this for now and see if I use this material to help overcome the curse that is writer's block. (Writer's block is truly EVIL!) -COUGH- on that note enjoy reading and P.S this chapter is best listened with whatever song you think is best! _**

**_Anyways Enjoy!  
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The air around her was tainted with chills the slightly opened window with billowing gauzy white drapes let in; the bouts of wind whirled into her dim lighted room with a biting chill.

From the lamp's light, her reflection cast her shadow against the wall. Imprinted in the form of a shadow on the wall was a silhouette of a girl bent over with an ornate shape attached on a chain lifted by slender fingers.

The soft silhouette appeared like a joke of a pretty girl who was simply gazing at the necklace strung gingerly around her equally slender neck. If only it was the real version of Elena and not some facsimile of her solid self who was hurting and aching under the weight of a heavy heart.

Over and over that one single phrase he had uttered before 'compelling' her replayed in her mind and disturbed the dark calmness, it was similar to a ripple in a pond…because that's _exactly_ how she felt not just in mind but emotionally and physically.

_Can it be stopped…?_

His words had etched themselves in her mind so firmly deep that they were like permanent scars carved into the recess of her consciousness.

Did she even want to forget his words…?

_No._

Even with him not in the room she felt the same way she had when he had murmured his confession with such rare tenderness and softness and it surprised her because lately his emotions seemed to be similar to a roller coaster.

Usually she noticed he would reveal his true, human emotions; his tenderness and affectionate behavior. Especially when the two were without company however lately they had only endured brief moments of alone time. So in turn Elena hadn't experienced _that_ side of him as much.

She was to blame of course, for hurting him and being cruel towards him even when he played the tough guy card and she knew the power of the damages she could and had inflicted…maybe not fully but she was aware even so slightly.

_I've been crude…and I've clearly hurt him __**so**__ much…_

Peering down she directed her eyes downward where the pendant filled with Vervain resided.

Elena felt her lips tremble slightly and the tears begin to pool in her eyes for a second time tonight.

_He cried too…I saw it._

When Damon cried…she felt something inside her core break.

In that moment she had gotten to see a feeling she wasn't supposed to because he was in the process of 'compelling'.

_I'll never forget it…that image, that moment is burned into my mind. _

_I can __**feel**__ its burn, its strange white hot intensity and I just want to claw my way out of my own skin…out of my body._

A humourless laugh bubbled past her slightly trembling lips as she felt the miniscule pools in her eyes spill over, they burned down her flesh with a strange fire like sensation.

_Does he feel exactly like me?_

…_**No**__…I think he's damaged further. _

Nipping at her lower lip gingerly her petite frame began to shake; not because of the cool drafts but because of what she had just experienced.

_He thinks he compelled me…_

_But he doesn't know…that…_

She had consumed Vervain…Stefan had advised to do so and she agreed because in her situation with all that had occurred in the day, moments and hours ago she wasn't going to risk the consequences of not possessing it in any form. She had even taken it further and added the oil of Vervain into her bath water.

_I'll take the protection I can get… _

So naturally she heard his confession but had to play the 'mindless compelled human' card because if she didn't…

_Who knows what would have happened…_

At first Elena found herself wishing she hadn't ingested the purple magic flower so that she could have been compelled…this thought only flitted across her consciousness when she was just fresh out of being free from Damon's presence. However then after Elena found herself not regretting having consumed Vervain, she embraced the warmth that spilled from her core and filled every crevasse and coated each fibre that made her.

Elena desperately wanted to confront the eldest brother…but wasn't sure if it was best.

_Stefan…_

At the thought of his name she gripped her necklace tightly for a single minute because she felt bad about doing this to Stefan. Not even a single thought had crossed her mind until now.

_Everything gets grayer and cloudier…not many important things...not many things I need to be sure of are black and white anymore._

_I don't know whether to run…or to fight._

_I'm on edge __**all**__ the time…even when I'm close to the point of blacking out…of reaching the edge of exhaustion. _

_I'm standing on a double edged knife…I can fall either way; despair is around every corner…or it's begun to feel like that._

So as Elena's flooded mind raced she was left to feel the surprise and shock of his words as they replayed beginning from the volume of a whisper until…they reached to his normal speaking level.

_**I **__love __**you, Elena…**_

Her knees drew sluggishly to her chest as she placed her head on her knees, resting atop her solid limbs.

The tremors of her body only increased in extremity and she felt more pools of tears tip and spill as the memory of his confession replayed in her mind on its twisted looped cycle.

With the memory replay she felt the spot where he'd gingerly pressed his lips on her forehead tingle and warm pleasantly.

_He kissed me…not on the lips but on my forehead._

Elena could still feel the sensation and she closed her eyes gently.

_If he hadn't stopped…if he hadn't pulled away._

She could recall herself reluctant for him to remove his lips from her flesh.

_I can't deny it…I felt something great when he kissed me._

It was true she really couldn't deny the thought.

Something inside her warmed at the sight of him, of his _other_ side, that seemed exclusive to people he deeply cared for and allowed to see. She was grateful for each and every glimpse of that side of him.

It was rare it was…

_**Special.**_

_**I **__love__** you, Elena…**_

Elena felt the sudden urge to let out a scream…she knew it would sound strangled and barely audible…all these tears and all of these emotions were weakening her physically and mentally.

_Why did he have to 'compel' me into forgetting all that he'd said…?_

_Was it the tears in my eyes he mistook for sad tears? _

_Did he think that I cried because what he had just confessed had been __**wrong**__, would make me hate him, ruin my life or had even hurt me in some way? _

_Is he lying somewhere in dark regretting what he had just done? _

She couldn't understand why, there were so many whys and so many questions such as why he wanted her to forget…why hadn't he just simply left her memory intact so then she wouldn't have had to go through the compelled charade.

Sitting in the silence with tears streaming and spilling down her flesh she tensed as realization dawned on her, a possible answer to what he had done.

_Did he think himself __**selfish**__?_

_Did he assume that if he had left me with my memories intact that it was a lowly selfish move because it would have not been fair to the Stefan?_

A single frame of her memory of that moment stilled and she clenched her fists at the pain seeing his sorrow pain filled features, the tear in his eye as he 'compelled her' after confessing.

_**I love you, Elena.**_

_**And it's because I love you that…I can't be selfish with you…**_

_That's a lie…you __**were**__ being selfish…but not because those words would and could have been unfair to Stefan._

_No…__**you**__ were selfish because you took it __**all**__ away. _

_Even if I wasn't under any compulsion and faked being vacant minded…you still attempted it and it was like a slap._

A slap because it was like he was taking back his confession and erasing its existence as if the statement he made _meant **nothing**._

All that Elena could do was fall back and stare at her broken shadow shaded on the wall.

Only ragged sobs and burning tears were left at the moment, that and her memory of that single moment with his proclamation of his love for _her_.

_And he can't take it away, now that he's said it…_

_He can never truly take it away._

_Because it's still __**seared**__ into my mind and ears._

_My body still burns within…_

_With aching__** fire**__._

_

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**Disclaimer: I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, I plan to make this a two or three shot! However I have no idea if I can update this as quick as I'd like especially with the writer's block still in me like a bad curse! .**_

**_A__nyways thanks for reading! _**

**_I hope the end wasn't sickly sweet or TOO corny or whatever word similar to those two words. ^^_**


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